Absence

Peace will come

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Memory is weird. Like, I can’t quite recall the sound of my mom’s voice, but I remember the house my very first best friend lived in every time I drive by it. I could probably drive down my best friends road in the dark with no headlights, but I can barely remember how it sounded on all those Christmas mornings when I was growing up.

But also, I forget what I’m doing and almost put milk in the cabinet, but I can mimic my daughters most common babble on the spot. I remember random assignments from high school, but my graduation day evades me.

I remember the exact smell of folgers coffee brewing in the morning and the homemade sweet tea on the counter but not what my mom smelled like.

There are so many things I remember, but so much more that I’ve forgotten. I can’t remember almost my entire first year of college, as if I’ve blocked it out of my mind. People tell me things that happened and I know they’re telling the truth so I agree, but don’t remember.

Is it anxiety? Depression? PTSD from a fire, foster homes, a tv show, death threats, a car crash, my mothers death, and who knows what else? I have no idea, but I know there are others out there that struggle like I do with remembering.

Don’t be ashamed if you don’t remember, it just means your endless strength is taking a necessary toll for now. Peace will come.

4 thoughts on “Absence

  1. Hi I my name is Shane I don’t ever do this and I don’t know if you’ll even get this! Or if you’re still around? I want to apologize for not being so intelligent writing this comment to you, like not having proper grammar and stuff or even not being able to write a full sentence smh! But please dont count this letter of admiration out! I don’t know how long ago you had posted your your experience about your life and the fire and everything but I had just seen the fire. Com episode let’s just say it touched me so much I had to look into it by searching your mom because what i had seen in that episode made me wonder about how your mom was doing which brought me to reading your page and I just want to say that words can’t come close to expressing How Deeply sad and hurt I am for you and your mom for what you went through during and after the event people make me sick and I have a daughter myself she’s the only thing I have in my life and reasons for that is like how you and your mom were treated after the fact it wasn’t bad enough that just happened to you guys people make me sick to say the least mostly everyone is closed minded selfish lazy fools. they wanted to just point a finger the people that we rely on to protect us! because it was the easiest when you cant figure something like that out because of pure laziness and to not just think or care about how badly demolishing a few innocent good people’s life’s smh reading about people situations like yours makes me definitely think twice about if there is really a god! And i say no way how could he let good people like that suffer but the scum bags of the earth get a roof over their heads and 3 meals smfh im sorry veering off why i even messaged you I just wanted to make sure to let you know that you are in other words a superhero for what you’ve been through and for you to keep going I could not even imagine to say the least it is absolutely horrible what you have went through and your mom and i just hope you know what a gorgeous super strong absolutely smart individual you are and if by chance you are still saving for your moms headstone please message me back because i would like to help! Stay strong! And im sorry again for not writing properly

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Shane! You don’t have to apologize for your writing, it was perfectly fine to me. I’m glad I saw your comment today, because today marks 5 years since my mom died. I appreciate everything you’ve said, you’re very kind. And to answer, I haven’t been able to save anything for her headstone yet. I’m hoping one day I’ll get one.

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      1. Im sorry i just seen this i really didn’t think i would get a response not because i thought you would blow me off or anything i wasnt sure if i sent it right because i hardly ever do this but im not someone with a lot of money actually quite the opposite but i have been working a lot of over time like 86 hrs a week and trying to save to get a car so i have some money saved up and i would never ever do this usually im not a people person at all but i read your blogs and your story stuck to me so i want to help would a couple hundred help and how do i send cash?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry for the delay Shane, I have severe anxiety and depression and even though I’m finally on medication for it, I still struggle keeping up with some things.

    I appreciate your offer to help more than I can possibly express, but you should save your money for yourself and your daughter. It sounds like you work your ass off, and I couldn’t live with myself accepting help when I am sure you need it more than me 🙂

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