Late Thoughts

It’s 4:12am for me.

I should be sleeping, but I don’t sleep much these days. Insomnia crept up my spine within months of becoming a mom, but I still wouldn’t change a thing.

The problem is, though, with sleepless nights comes a flurry of thoughts in my mind. Thoughts of the past, present, and future. Tonight, it’s the past.

I have come so far from where I was in high school. I spent years after being raped balling my fury into my art, trying to understand if what happened to me was truly rape and trying to fight my way through my many feelings.

I was on a rampage. I was at war. Everyone stood in my way yet no one at all. Early college was no better. I let myself be used and abused by people I now know weren’t worth my time. I suffered verbal and mental abuse to the point of nearly failing my classes and using sleep as a hiding mechanism.

I met the man who is now my husband and I began to realize what love was supposed to look and feel like. It wasn’t supposed to be 3am screaming fights and being pushed into a wall. Or being so scared of your boyfriend that you couldn’t even speak to another male.

I found out that love is having a thumb war in concert seats while waiting on the show to begin. It’s early morning coffee kisses and whispers. Love is crying during your wedding vows and through your first dance. Love is clinging to them when you get phoned by your dad that your mom has suddenly died. Love is the tears that well up and overflow when you hear your daughters’ first cries together. Love is so many things.

I don’t know where life is going to lead me, because it has taken so many unexpected turns over the years. But I know I’ll just have to hang on for the ride.

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